Anger.

I hate this feeling. Makes me almost sad. But you gave me no choice. You played me all along. You never assumed guilt. You threw everything on me. You made me believe I was the problem. I close my eyes, and as much as I would like to assume the guilt and say it went wrong because I made a mistake and now I can fix, I can't. There isn t this choice. We were together and you played me, and I hate you for doing that. I hate you even more for still having feelings. I wish I could blink and make all go away. I wish I could just forget, and go foward, with no memories. Have you ever wanted so much to erase all your memories related to something ? Did we dream together ? I never knew what was real what was not. Maybe we fooled ourselves. Things are not clear and I still hate you so much....

What does he think ?

What do I think ?

How separate are these toughts ?

Is there any real on this ?

OMG !

I wake up with my eyes still closed and look for you body. I know it s not there. Still, I stretch hoping I'll come across it. It's not there.
I want to avoid thinking, but my mind is raped into toughs, which i don t want to have. We hoped, we expected, we dreamed, and now is all gone. I can t really put in a timeline when did it happen or how did it happen. Were we in different universes ? Why couldn't we align our worlds, just for a while ?!
Your blue eyes, I wanted to dive into them, but i barely remember them in a receptive mood.
We screwed up, not me, not you, us. We know it.
You're skeptic, I'm a dreamer.
Can it ever work ? Are you right ?

All these feelings, I wish they would go away now. I can t stop thinking about him. We were both expecting so much this moment, and all of a sudden, it s gone. It wasn t good. We both know. There was a constant feeling of "lost in translation ". We made bad choices, together. We never really got into something we expected to. Our bodies never spoke the same language. During this period, we both made choices. I tried too hard, maybe he was my opposite. There was no equilibrium. It was clumsy and uncomfortable. It was heavy. There was no nice we expected. We were both frustrated and disappointed. We had a terrible argument. I tought we might never meet again.

Then there was last day. That was the first time i looked into his eyes and I could have again the feeling that brought me to this place. I could recognize the first night we met. We had no words. We had desire. There wasn t much to be said. It was intense. It was inevitable. Our bodies showed us the lack of control we sometimes have. It made us both feel alive.

Yes, we did put a lot of pressure. Yes, we did put a lot of expectation. Yes, we made wrong choices. Yes, I still don t know what happened. Yes, I'm still cloudy. Yes, I still wish you were here now. I like you....

To cry or not to cry.

Se eu tivesse sozinha, as lágrimas já estariam aqui. Mas eu não estou. Eu respiro fundo. É um desconforto permanente. Quanto mais eu tento mais eu me decepciono. Qual o ponto de tentar uma coisa quando a outra pessoa não quer. Quando a outra pessoa já deu um fim a tudo. Aqui ao lado na cama, acho que ele me odeia. A gente faz esse teatro e diz que está tudo bem, sabendo que está tudo podre, tudo distorcido. Descompasso de tudo. Eu acordo ele dorme, eu gozo ele está apático, ele me deseja e eu sinto um desconforto. Muito medo de todos os lados. Muitas expectativas. Um castelinho de cartas, que cai. Não entendo porque não conseguimos entrar no mesmo ritmo. Os meus sentimentos estão aqui, da forma mais intensa de todo o período. Assim como o tédio está aqui, nos odiamos nesse quarto. Eu olho para ele, eu sei que ele me trata mal. Eu sei que eu escolhi mal. Eu sei que eu coloquei ele numa situação que eu não deveria. Talvez eu tenha estragado tudo dessa forma. Talvez esse descompasso seja minha culpa. Ele me trata mal e eu aceito em silêncio. Eu posso entender. Ele e eu somos os mesmos. Quando perdemos nosso chão surge um buraco negro que é dificil lidar. E ele me culpa. Faria igual na situção oposta. Também me odiaria se ele tivesse me colocado nessa situação. Eu não entendo porque eu, logo que eu que planejo tudo fiz isso. Será que foi de propósito. Estou tentando destruir alguma coisa antes de começar ?
Eu queria esquecer essa semana. Eu queria esquecer tudo que aconteceu. Eu queria ficar com as coisas boas. Eu queria ficar só com o sorriso dele. É tão doce quando é espontâneo.
Acho que eu tornei as coisas muito pesadas para ele. É muito dificil um relacionamento com culturas diferentes e pessoas tão particulares. Eu sei que ele está assustado com a minha intensidade. Acho que se eu soubesse lidar melhor com isso em algum ponto ele até achasse que era algo doce. Mas nesse momento, é exatamente disso que ele quer fugir.
Eu entendo ele, e me odeio nesse momento.
Não sei quão permanente é o dano.